“How’s an intelligent person supposed to react when he discovers that he’s merely the product of a corrupt and evil system? How do you continue to live after you learn that your every breath, every dollar you pay in taxes, every baby you conceive and love will only perpetuate some evil system?”—Chuck Palahniuk (via piecesoflogic)
in the mean time, i went to the doctors today. psychiatrist soon, i am open yet closed to the idea. we’ll see. i got new shoes, yeah. on birth control for acne. and hey when the time comes im having sex that’s two birds with one stone.
im so exhausted i need to get back to feeling im so exhausted im so tired. im so tired of being tired. im so tired of being around. im tired of making the little effort i do. fuck im just so tired. i dont wanna do this anymore. i dont want to cry anymore fuck im so petty im so done. im so done. im so done. im so dead.
i’ve denied it long enough. i’m not sure what writing let alone posting about this will do. so sue me, its some type of release. i’m tired of getting up. i’m tired of trying for an education i do not want. i do not want to be a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, a student or anything to anyone. i want to be wiped clean. i want to end this. i am angry and I am lost in a mental anguish that i am far in to and can not escape for the time being. the reason i am the most enraged is because i don’t have the courage (as far as courage goes…) to end my life. my body goes on and i keep conversation going. instead of giving up i fail instead. i don’t believe i’m stubborn or ignorant. i just don’t see the good of these counselors. my mind needs to be altered.
at the moment, i want sleeping pills. i want to rid other’s expectations of me, because i do not feel alive anymore, and that, already, is failing other’s enough.
if i knew this was depression a year ago i would have done something much earlier.